Kelly Rowland, AJ McLean gush about favorite Liam Payne memories
Destiny’s Child star Kelly Rowland and the Backstreet Boys’ AJ McLean called Liam Payne “a joy” on “Building the Band,” filmed weeks before his death.
I was a very organized child. I planned ahead for everything, no matter how far in the future. I knew I would have two cats (I do), I knew I’d be a writer (I am) and I knew I’d marry Harry Styles (this has not and is not on track to happen).
This fantasy was not unlike the others many young girls my age felt in the early 2010s who were enchanted by One Direction.
My memories of the “Best Song Ever” music video drop, first concert and Zayn Malik‘s exit from the band are far more prominent than most experiences of my tweens. Fifteen years of memories squealing over the members, merchandise and music. Now I’m left with the bittersweet embrace of a childhood long gone and sadness that not everyone is here to celebrate it.
The four former members of the British boyband, formed on “The X Factor” on July 23, 2010, are experiencing the milestone without bandmate Liam Payne who died in October 2024.
Teenage emotions are unpredictable and often exaggerated, so the end of a boy band who had consumed so much of my mind for so long was devastating. I felt like my world was ending. Years later when I learned that Payne died, my heart broke for the man who spent his formative years entertaining the world and the sensation he helped create.
I wasn’t alone in that feeling.
Now 25-year-old Megan Otten has run One Direction fan accounts – @1D4President – since she was 12 years old. She says she “fell in love” with the band’s “silly,” candid nature and refusal to conform to the stereotypical boy band norms, i.e. choreographed dancing. But as she reflects on 15 years since the start, Payne’s untimely death is top of mind.
“I keep getting stuck in the loop of reminding myself, ‘You didn’t know him,'” she said. “There’s a lot of shame there, feeling like I’m overreacting.”
Grieving someone you don’t know
I was sitting at my desk typing away at a story when I learned that Payne died on Oct. 16. The reporter in me was trying to fact check, hoping it was another messed-up bit of fake news. But it was real, and the young fan girl in me was shocked and endured the collective grief with strangers online and friends who spent their teens loving him and the chart-topping group.
Parasocial relationships are the illusion of friendship with a public figure and “Directioners” were no exception to this phenomenon.
“It’s so odd to be mourning someone you’ve never met, but you’ve spent 15 years worth of time growing up with him and looking up to him,” Otten said.
All five members were teenagers when the band formed, ranging in age from 16 to 18 years old. In a way, we did watch them grow up through our phones. At the same time, I was also growing up.
As I became more and more fixated on the band, their music and the community of mostly young girls who felt the same way as me, I was also enduring the trenches of puberty. The world of mental health struggles, social strains and the rising stress of the dreaded middle school years was worthy of a distraction and One Direction was just that.
Now in my 20s and far from the cumbersome days of my tweens, my way of grieving that time in my life and the men who shaped it looks something like this: Bringing my now-vintage One Direction board game to girls nights, spraying my band-branded, discontinued perfume on special occasions, and rewatching their concert movie on nights when I feel like I indulging my inner child.
For many who were fans what feels like so long ago, grieving the loss of Payne and the milestone of the band turning 15 feels like a milestone of our own. Whether it feels like the death of our childhood or a bittersweet rite of passage in our journey of growing up, I’m grateful I got to experience such joy at all.
Sam Woodward is a wellness audience fellow for USA TODAY’s youth mental health and women in a caregiving economy coverage. This fellowship is funded by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. You can reach her at swoodward@gannett.com.
